


goodbye, dignity

by punkdavekat



Series: the coolkid blues [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-27
Updated: 2015-08-27
Packaged: 2018-04-17 11:44:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4665294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/punkdavekat/pseuds/punkdavekat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>vent fic where dave has a flashback and also an anxiety attack yeah sorry</p>
            </blockquote>





	goodbye, dignity

**Author's Note:**

> please dont read this if youre prone to getting triggered by the stuff in the tags

It’s like a switch goes off in your brain. Your adrenaline is pumping and your heart is beating too fast. You hear blood rushing in your ears.

As you jump away from him, part of you is screaming. You can feel your body shaking and distantly hear his voice. It sounds muffled. Your vision swims and suddenly you’re on the ground. 

"Oh shit, Dave, come on! What the fuck is wrong, Dave, answer me!"

You want to respond but your mouth is dry and you can’t breathe, you can’t fucking breathe, oh god. 

And then he’s shaking you, face suddenly in front of your own. "Dave, come on, snap out of it and talk to me, please."

You remember being shaken like this, once 

And suddenly you’re back on the roof of your apartment in the scorching Texas heat. It’s not Karkat shaking you but Bro, his eyes baring down on you with no emotion and his vice-like grip on your body, fingertips digging into your shoulder blades and you’re so sorry you didn’t mean to miss that opportunity to block and your bro is saying ‘you need to take this seriously, Jesus Christ’ and his voice is hard like steel and the world is spinning.

But then your vision clears and your mind goes blank and there’s Karkat again, red tears streaming down his face. He's chanting, "I’m so sorry Dave, I’m so sorry and I don’t know what to do," and you look up at him.

You can still feel the fear running through your body, but its distant now 

You’re not looking at him; you’re looking through him and you stand up.

He looks so small, so sad, and his voice is quiet when he whispers "Dave?" 

You stumble out of the room

At first you’re walking, but then you’re running. You don’t know where you’re going, but you turn down whichever paths look darkest until you’re in a room you haven’t seen before. It is empty aside from some storage cabinets and you lock yourself in there.

There’s a pounding at the door thirty seconds after you shut it. You hadn’t even heard him following you, but you can hear his harsh breathing and the sound of his claws scraping against the lock and you sink down to your knees.

He’s calling your name now, voice loud and pleading as he screams. ‘Dave, damn it, open the door FUCKING LET ME IN!’

You put that pain in his voice. You made him feel like this. You’re the reason he’s body slamming the door. You need to get a grip so you can help him, but you feel like you’re not there.

Oh, god, you can’t feel anything. Are you dreaming? Is this real? You need to feel something; you need to feel it right now so you start scratching at your arms, digging your nails into the skin until you feel blood but its not enough. The pain barely registers so you bite your wrist instead, right here you can feel the veins, and taste copper.

You must have hit some sort of nerve because your entire hand goes numb, but the panic has ebbed away and you’re just staring down at the bloody imprints of your teeth when the door finally breaks.

He runs to you but keeps a distance and god you must look like a mess with teeth stained by your own blood.

"Dave oh god what did you do what the fuck just happened are you okay? I mean obviously the fuck not look at you please just say something.”

"I’m fine now," you manage, and you can taste the saltiness of your own tears on your lips. 

Then you vomit all over the floor and promptly pass out

You come to in his respiteblock, laying on a pile of pillows and blankets as he wraps your wrist in gauze. You pretend to still be asleep. He lets go of your hand and climbs in to the pile.

“I know you’re awake,” he says. “But you don’t have to talk now. You need to rest. We can figure it out later.”

You lay your head on his chest and let him wrap his arms around you.


End file.
